A bear walks into a bar and says “I want a grilllllled………………………………………cheese.” The bartender says “Whats with the long pause?”

What do you call bears with no ears? B

I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage. I asked the zoo keeper and he just smiled and said... That it was bread in captivity.

When you teach a wolf to meditate, he becomes aware wolf.

Why couldn't Mozart find his teacher? Because he was Haydn

Why dont blind people skydive? It scares their dogs

I told my friend 10 jokes to get him to laugh. No pun in 10 did.

Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the “P” is silent!

Knock Knock. Who’s There? To. To Who? It’s To Whom.

What’s a pirates favorite letter? You think it’s R but it be the C.

Why did the cowboy get a wiener dog? He wanted to get a long little doggie.

Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward. That’s just how I roll.

What did the pirate say when he turned 80? Aye Matey!

What do mermaids wash their fins with? Tide

What did the fried rice say to the shrimp? Don't wok away from me!

Did you hear about the superhero who worked out too hard yesterday?  He's Thor

What do you call a person who always gets mad when he doesn't have bread? Lack toast intolerant

Where would you grow a chef? Bakersfield

What do you call the syrup with a speech impediment? Mrs. Stuttersworth

Did you know that everyone prefers having a covered bed? It's not a joke, it's just a blanket statement

What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta

Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? For drizzle.

You know why you never see elephants hiding up in trees? Because they're really good at it.

What's E.T short for? He's got little legs.

Have you heard of the movie "Constipation"?  It hasn't come out yet

Where does the General keep his armies? In his sleevies!

Why can't you tell a kleptomaniac a joke? They always take things literally

What does a pepper do when it's angry? It gets jalapeño face!

What's brown and sticky? A stick.

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten! Ten tickles!

What is red and smells like blue paint? Red paint.

What is blue and doesn't weigh very much? Light blue

What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot

What has is green, fuzzy and would kill you if it fell out of a tree? A pool table

How is a bicycle similar to a duck? The both have handlebars, except for the duck.

What plant is short, green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels.

What did the buffalo say to his kid when he left? Bison

My great grandfather last words before he kicked the bucket were, "I wonder how far I can kick this bucket."

A cow that jumped over a barbed wire fence causing udder destruction.

A ship carrying blue paint and a ship carrying red paint crashed into an island and all the sailors were marooned.

A magic tractor was driving down the road and turned into a field.

Two goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says, "You know how to drive this thing?!"

I once was so bored I made a belt out of watches. Complete waist of time.

On the other hand, you have different fingers

I bought thesaurus yesterday but the pages were blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am. Not only is it terrible, it's terrible.

A magician tells his audience, "I will disappear on the count of three." He counts, "Uno... dos..." and disappears without a tres.

I told my friend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.

What can think the unthinkable? An itheberg.

Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was assaulted.

A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.

I went shopping for cherries and microphones the other day. Bought a Bing. Bought a boom.

Two drums and a cymbal fell off a cliff. Badum ching.

 

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